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Episode 01x50 - Jimmy Jimson

Icepunk:

I rub the bruises on my head and neck. “By all rights, I should be dead. You almost killed me, you butt-faced charlatan!”

“What the crap?” Malex responds. “How does ‘charlatan’ apply here?”

“It doesn’t,” I say. “I just like the way it sounds.”

“You’re MURDERING my language!” Malex screams before launching into another volley of attacks.

“What language?” I ask beneath Malex’s relentless yet wussy blows.

“My language!” Malex hollers in response.

“Be more specific,” I request, pushing him away from me and wishing I had at least one emotionally stable friend.

“Sunday is the first day of the week, and I won’t hear another word to the contrary!” an exasperated Malex screams.

“Do we need to restrain him or something?” I ask Echofly.

Malex:

Icepunk was being irrational, but I didn’t have time to address it because we were coming up on the feds.

“There you are!” Stewie called out nonchalantly.

“Yes!” I responded. “Ha! We’re back, and we’ve got guns this time!”

“We’ve got guns too you know,” Stewie said. “And we’ve got you surrounded.”

“No you don’t!” Icepunk said. “We just came from back that way, and there aren’t any agents over there at all.”

“Fine,” Stewie said. “Agent McMacksie, surround them.”

“But sir,” McMacksie whined, “it’s Fresh Donuts Hour at Happy Pastry Palace!”

“By Jove, you’re right!” Stewie said. “Curses! You may have won the day, but we might be back eventually! Come agents, let’s go eat warm, sugary pastries!”

With that, all twenty agents filed out singing a traditional Irish donut-eating song.

“Well, I guess that takes care of that,” I said. “And not a gunshot fired!”

“Bah!” Icepunk said, and shot a round into the nearest shelving unit.

The unit immediately shuddered. “Quit shooting at me!” it said in a low, growling voice.

“I concede,” Icepunk said quietly. “The shelves are alien flora.”

“You’re still wrong,” I said. “New data suggests that the shelves are alien fauna.”

“Shut up.”

Icepunk:

“I wish I lived a normal life. I really, really do,” I sigh hopelessly. “Could I go for a single day without Leprechauns biting my leg and deposing the devil?”

Someone knocks on the door.

“Their donut break couldn’t be over already! Icepunk, open the door and see who it is,” Malex orders.

“Who’s in charge here?” I ask indignantly. “You or me?”

“Just answer the stupid door.” Malex shakes his head.

I open the door cautiously. A little boy wielding an M16 rifle asks, “Um, I don’t know how this affects your plans for the day, but I’m here to kill you.”

“Thanks for letting me know,” I say. “I’ll just go cancel my dinner reservations. Did you mod that M16?”

“Actually, when that federal agent at the donut shop gave me ten dollars and this M16, it only had burst-fire and semi-auto. However, I fiddled with it for a minute and made it full-auto.” The kid hefts his gun semi-menacingly.

“Sweet,” I exclaim. “Now, about this killing thing. Do you really need to do that for ten dollars? Because I can give you twenty bucks NOT to kill us.”

“How about twenty-five?”

“Fifty, and not a penny less!”

“Done.” The kid offers his hand to shake on it. “You’re not too smart, are you mister?”

“I’d be insulted,” I say, shaking his hand, “but I’m too busy being glad that you’re reasonable. Can I give you an I.O.U. for the fifty bucks?”

He thinks for a moment, then shrugs. “Okay. But you’d better be good for the dough.”

“Little gangster,” I mutter to myself. “Say! Would you take another fifty to watch the warehouse while my friend and I go to our office?”

Malex subtly kicks me in the back of the legs. “What are you doing? We don’t have money!”

“It’s okay,” I respond, “he’s a kid. He’ll forget about it in an hour. Especially with all the hamsters around and stuff.”

“So,” Malex says to the kid, “you’re gonna protect the warehouse from the feds? Nice to meet you - I’m Malex.”

“The pleasure is mine. I’m Jimmy Jimson. I’m not officially in this business, but I’ll stay here until I get bored or you guys don’t pay up.”

Malex gulps. “I think he’s serious, Ice. Let’s go.”

“Don’t tell me you’re afraid of a kid?”

“He’s obviously a hardened killer!” Malex says, pointing at Jimson, who chose that moment to put on his ‘innocent’ face, complete with Bambi eyes. Malex yells, “You don’t fool me!”

“Come on, Malex,” I tell him gently. “It’s time to go.”

With Malex screaming about Jimson killing us all, Echofly trying to comfort him, Linus cursing at him, and me rolling my eyes, we leave the warehouse for the “Good Guys For Hire” office.

Malex:

We arrived back at the office and found it much as we had left it. Papers everywhere, furniture in various states of decay, and food hanging precariously from the ceiling.

“Ah,” I said, “office, sweet office.”

“That does not work in this context,” Echofly said, with a slight hint of disgust.

“So are you telling me,” I asked Echofly, “that nobody has called at all since we’ve been gone?”

“No, although I’ve been cleaning in the interim. You two can make one crap of a mess.”

“We haven’t even BEEN here!” Icepunk protested.

“You’d better not be saying this is my mess, twig-boy,” Echofly said threateningly.

“The doctor said I’ll fill out,” Icepunk responded defensively.

“Not in little pieces you won’t...”

“Hey!” I interrupted, ceasing the escalation. “Why don’t we think of some way to increase business?”

“We could commit some crime and be the first detectives on the scene,” Icepunk suggested as he threw a banana peel onto one of the filing cabinets. “What do you think?”

“Where did you just get that banana peel?” I asked. “You haven’t eaten a banana in HOURS!”

“I’ve been saving up!” Icepunk said proudly. “I don’t like littering, and I don’t want to get my warehouse dirty, so I dump all of my garbage here.”

“How considerate of you,” said Echofly, who immediately ripped a large drawer out of a filing cabinet and started beating Icepunk about the skull with it.

“Come on!” I yelled above the din. “Let’s come up with some serious possibilities. We need to increase business if this company is going to survive at all.”

“I have another idea!” Icepunk said.

“NO!” Echofly and I said at once.

“You are hereby banned from thinking about this problem!” I said to Icepunk.

We all immediately lapsed into thoughtful silence.

A few hours later, Icepunk burst out: “My telepathy!”

“What?!” I said harshly. “You just interrupted a perfectly good thought, so this had better be pristine.”

“I can hear the wailing of thousands of souls in my BRAIN!” Icepunk yelled. “This must mean that the Dumbbutts are trying to take over the city government!”

“How can you feel it now if it hasn’t happened yet?” I asked.

“My brain must be traveling through a hole in the space-time continuum!” Icepunk said excitedly.

“Oh, so now your brain is traveling without you, eh?” said I. “What a shame.”