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Episode 01x49 - Your Tax Dollars at Work

Icepunk:

“Hey,” I yell, “I hope you guys don’t think I’m going to just hand my warehouse over to the government just because it contains a portal to Hell! I spent twenty grand of my hard-earned money on it!”

“Actually,” Malex counters, rolling his eyes, “if you’ll recall, we sold the pink rabbit to the Squids for that money. We didn’t really have to do anything but put it up for auction. The bunny even came to us!”

“But we still had to take away its shotgun and tape it to the ceiling!” I protest. “That was hard work!”

Stewie raises his eyebrows. “Squids? Pink rabbits? What the heck are you guys smoking in this warehouse?”

“Nothing. I swear,” Malex responds.

“If you are,” Stewie says, “it doesn’t matter. As of late, we’re not on very good terms with the DEA. Plus, if you’re growing stuff in here we might actually buy some.”

“We’re not.”

“Okay. Sure.”

Malex:

“Alright, enough banter,” Stewie said matter-of-factly. “Get your stuff together. We’re taking this building.”

“WHAT?!” Icepunk screamed. “You can’t just take it! I demand some compensation!”

“Fine!” Stewie relented. “Let’s see,” he said as he rummaged around in his pockets. “Here ya go! Thirty-two dollars and forty-three cents in exchange for this portal to Hell.” Our jaws dropped. “Oh and by the by, I lied about getting your stuff together. Everything in this warehouse is ours now, since removing any of it may disrupt the effect that we want to study.”

“What about the hamsters?” Icepunk was getting irate.

“What, those hideous, oversized excuses for rodents?” Stewie laughed. “No my friend, they may well be contributing to the folding of space that makes this warehouse so unique!”

“Those hamsters are NOT hideous!” Icepunk yelled. “Nor are they oversized! They are simply adorable bodybuilders, you dastard!”

I despondently picked up Linus the laptop and began to trudge toward the door. “Heck no!” Stewie said. “That thing is obviously of supernatural origin, so it’s staying here.”

“Supernatural origin?!” I hollered. “It’s a LAPTOP for crapping out loud!”

“Yes, well, I heard it cuss at me quite proficiently.”

“What does THAT prove?”

“Not much. Anyway, it’s staying here, and you are leaving.”

“Darn right we’re leaving!” I yelled, grabbed Linus and Thubthub, and disappeared into the vast maze of shelves. Echofly followed suit, leaving Icepunk and a few unconcerned hamsters behind.

“What?” Icepunk called back. “We’re not leaving this warehouse! Oh wait... I’m coming!”

Icepunk:

“Where are we going, Malex?” I ask innocently. “We’re not just going to let them get away with this, are we?”

“Here’s the answer to your question.” Malex kicks me in the shins. “Now shut up and follow me.”

“Seriously,” I say, “where are we going?”

“How about finding some weapons and defending ourselves from the feds?”

“Sounds good, but next time you kick me you’re gonna lose that whole leg.”

“Okay, whatever.”

Malex:

We successfully broke free of the Feds and began searching for weapons or something to defend ourselves with.

“If only we could have grabbed some of the weapons that we used to defend ourselves from the Leprechauns,” I lamented.

Icepunk was climbing around on the shelving units above us, searching for something useful.

“Don’t you think it would be awfully convenient to find weapons in here just because we need them?” Echofly queried. “That’s like a terribly-written comic book story.”

“I thought the same thing when Icepunk found a brand-new television in an abandoned warehouse,” I said. “Heck, I was surprised when we found shelving units in here.”

“So?” Echofly asked. “You sound like you’ve got an idea.”

“I think I do,” I said, kneeling on the concrete floor to examine the bottom of the shelf.

“Sweet!” Icepunk hollered from somewhere above us. “A whole bunch of AR-15s, and ammo too!”

“Ah-ha!” I shouted. “Look! These shelves are like part of the floor! I think they’re growing here. It’s like some jacked up alien flora.”

“You can’t be serious,” Echofly said.

“How else do you explain them being here?” I asked.

“I dunno.”

“I bet we’re in the middle of a shelf forest! And, perhaps, the random crap we keep finding ON the shelves are various kinds of fruit!”

“Malex,” Icepunk called down to us, “are you completely retarded? Shelves can’t grow fruit, you numbskull!”

“You may not be able to see it,” I called up, “but I’m making a vulgar hand gesture in your general direction at the moment.”

“What the crap?” Icepunk yelled. “How come this crate has a stem?!”

“Don’t ask me,” I yelled back, winking at Echofly, “I’m just a numbskull. Bring those guns down and we’ll go back to defend the warehouse before this gets out of hand.”

“Somehow,” Echofly said, “I get the impression that brandishing weapons against federal agents is a good sign that things are about to get out of hand.”

“Oh come on,” Icepunk said. “You can heal stuff, right? No worries!”

“Come here,” Echofly said menacingly, “and I shall massage your neck. Violently.”

Icepunk:

I stand for a minute or two, scratching my head and thinking about the best way to reclaim the warehouse from the feds. After a while, I notice that everyone seems to be staring at me expectantly.

“What?” I ask indignantly, “Did you expect ME to have a plan?”

Everyone but Malex nods their heads.

“Well, I don’t have a plan,” I say, “so there! Anyone have a better idea?”

Malex raises his hand. “All-knowing, brilliant General Punk, I have a suggestion.”

“That’s ‘all-knowing, brilliant General Punk SIR’,” I correct him.

“My bad.” Malex doesn’t seem too happy to be serving under me.

“There will be no dissent in my ranks, soldier!” I say. Perhaps some discipline will be in order. Later. “But we’re off topic. What’s your idea?”

“Let’s quit dilly-dallying around and go ambush them!” Malex is obviously getting impatient.

I scratch my chin. “The suggestion has merit. Here’s my idea, though: we quit dilly-dallying around and go ambush them!”

Malex’s jaw drops. “You credit-stealing DASTARD!” He jumps on me and begins bashing my skull with his gun.

“That HURTS! Stop it or DIE, you back-stabbing mutineer!”