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Episode 01x48 - Dead Beef L337

Icepunk:

“What makes you think you are going to just waltz out of Hell?” Stan asks. “I do have a reputation to maintain you know, now that I’m back in business as Satan.”

“I didn’t think you would keep your word,” I say, shaking my head disappointedly. “That’s okay though; I came prepared.” I whip out a roll of duct tape.

Stan stares. “Sweet! Duct-tape! What’s it for?”

“Malex, Thubthub, hold him still.”

While we wrap Stan and Stanlet up with the duct-tape, Zilly timidly comes out of hiding. “Hey, guys. What are you doing here?”

“Zilly! Where have you been?” I ask while taping Stan to an icicle hanging from the roof of the cavern.

“Here, mostly,” Zilly says, as if he’s about to cry. “This place really is Hell, you know. It’s a wonder my sanity is still intact. Besides, it’s so untidy it causes me physical pain to look at it.”

“Can we go now?” Malex says. “It’s so cold that I can’t feel my bum.”

Malex:

By the time we returned to our encampment, Echofly had completely healed all of the wounded hamsters save one.

“Poor bugger, his arm was already severed, so it couldn’t be healed,” she said wearily.

“He’ll live though,” I say. “What about you? Are you okay?”

“I’m okay,” she smiled, “I’m just really tired.”

“It’s time we all got some sleep,” I said. “It’s gotta be five in the morning...”

As if on cue, a storm rolled in, complete with lightning, thunder, rain - the works.

Linus screamed, “I’m getting WET! Does this roof do no good at ALL?!”

“Actually,” I said, peering up at the ceiling, “I think this storm is inside the building. The warehouse is so huge that it’s got its own weather patterns.”

“That’s okay,” Icepunk said cheerily. “We found tents earlier, so we’ll just pitch them so we can sleep sound and dry.”

We covered everything delicate with tarps and pitched enough tents for everyone.

As soon as my head hit the floor, I was asleep.

I was awakened soon afterward by a loud banging at the door to the warehouse.

I clambered out of my tent, climbing over the odd hamster in the process. I looked up to see clouds floating lazily overhead. Apparently this warehouse had its own sun too.

“Linus,” I asked the floating, sleepless laptop, “shouldn’t we have noticed this sun before?”

“I’ve been monitoring its progress in the sky, and its speed suggests a seventy-two hour cycle.”

“What?” I was nearly speechless. “I’m starting to think that something is seriously wrong with this warehouse.”

“Really?” Linus rolled his eyes in a fit of sarcasm. “Maybe you should answer the door before it falls off from the sheer knocking.”

I answered the door.

“Can I help you?” I ask the white man in black.

“I’m from the CIA.” He whipped out his identification. “We’re interested in this warehouse of yours.”

“Hey Icepunk!” I holler. “Look at this! It’s another ‘CIA’ agent!” (I made quotation marks in the air with my hands.)

“Seriously?!” Icepunk clambered out of his tent, kicking a hamster or two in the process.

I was laughing openly now. The ‘CIA’ agent was not amused. “Come on guys, I know all about the ‘Dumbbutt’ thing.” I playfully punched the ‘agent’ in the shoulder. “Who decided on the acronym ‘CIA’ for ‘Coalition Of Aliens’ anyway? It makes no sense at all! Ha-ha. Whoa, is that a gun?!”

Icepunk:

“Dude, since when do Dumbbutts carry guns?” I ask the agent.

“Who are you calling a Dumbbutt?” he asks menacingly.

“Last I checked, you,” I reply insolently, crossing my arms over my chest. “What do you guys want?”

“Well, as you probably already know, we are so l33t that it’s not even funny. Using our awesome techno-fu, we have determined that this warehouse contains a portal to Hell.”

“So?” I ask. “We’re on friendly terms with Stan.”

“So is everyone else son,” The agent says seriously, putting his hand on my shoulder. “Anyway, the government obviously cannot allow a portal to Hell on our soil. So, if you will kindly let us ‘disappear’ you and nuke your warehouse, we can get this over with pretty quickly with very little pain involved.”

“Gee, that’s such a generous offer, but I’m afraid we’ll have to decline,” Malex says, beginning to close the door. “Good day.”

The agent waves his hand. Fifty other agents appear with M16s. “Sorry,” the agent says without an ounce of sincerity, “that is completely unacceptable.”

I slowly put my hands over my head. Malex does likewise. The agents walk in and look around. They appear to be awed, since they keep ‘oohing’ and ‘aahing’ like school children in a candy store.

The first agent introduces himself as Agent Stewie.

“Stewie?” I ask. “Isn’t that a bit lame? What the heck were your parents smoking when they named you?”

“Pot, I think,” Stewie says thoughtfully. “Anyway, how did you acquire this interesting building?”

Malex:

Icepunk was conversing with the intruding federal agents. I was appalled. “Hey!” I yell, “I think this whole intrusion infringes on a few of our rights here!”

Some of the agents chuckled. “I’m sorry to have to shatter the illusion for you,” Stewie said, “but the whole ‘human rights’ thing,” - it was his turn to make quotation marks in the air with his hands - “has been out of style since sometime in the nineteenth century. Nowadays, we just wing it and pray that the people don’t catch on.”

“Oh, I see,” I said, not seeing at all.

“Look at it this way,” Stewie said, putting his foot on an end table and leaning forward conversationally. “We can do anything that we want whenever we feel like it, and you have no power to even protest.”

“I’m starting to understand why the general public never knew about the whole ‘aliens from outer space’ thing,” I said, scowling at Stewie.

“Aliens from outer space?” Stewie looked genuinely confused.

“Never mind,” I said.

“Dude,” one of the agents said, “there’s, like, sunlight! Coming from the ceiling!”

“Were you dropped as a child?!” Linus finally snapped. “This warehouse is obviously the intersection point for a fold in space that leads directly to another planet! Judging from the content of the light coming from the sun overhead, I’d say it’s probably one of the planets in sector 0xd3ad/0xbe3f/0x13e7. You, however, are too FRIGGING STUPID to know that!”

He then launched into a barrage of words from a corner of the English language that no parent should ever allow their child to hear.

One of the other agents walked up to Stewie. “Sir, after careful examination, I am beginning to think that this warehouse is definitely worth investigation.”

Author’s Note:

We should generally apologize to anyone and everyone who has any knowledge about the inner workings of the CIA and/or the government. Neither of us writers do, so any portrayal of said organizations will be woefully innacurate.

By now, none of you should be laboring under any misplaced impressions that we’re trying to portray reality, so nobody should have any reason to be offended.

At least, we hope that to be the case.