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Episode 01x47 - Healer

Icepunk:

“We have to save Zilly and finish the extinction of the Leprechaun horde!” I say urgently.

“Why do we have to save Zilly?” Malex asks wonderingly. “He just ran out on us while we were dealing with Slappy.”

“He’s still our friend, you low-life!” I holler. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Since you bring it up,” Malex responds, “there’s lots of stuff wrong with me.”

“Let’s go buy some ammo and food,” I say, changing the subject entirely, “then go to Hell and rescue Zilly.”

“Where are we going to get money to buy stuff?” Echofly asks. “By the way, you’re insane for wanting to go to Hell.”

“Well,” I say, “I’m sure Stan will let us leave since we did try to save him from the wrath of the Leprechauns.”

A shriek splits the air. One of the wounded hamsters is crying for Thubthub. Thubthub goes over to him and tries to comfort him. “It’ll be okay, lieutenant Cuddles. I’m sure your arm will heal.”

“Gee,” Malex says, “that gash is pretty deep, and infection is essentially unavoidable under these filthy circumstances.”

“Aw, poor little guy,” Echofly says kindheartedly. “We have to do something to help him.”

Malex:

We were tending to the wounded among our ranks. Several of the hamsters were dead, and several more were seriously wounded.

“What can we do?” I asked. “We can’t pay for medical care, and we don’t have the supplies to tend to them ourselves.”

“Maybe we could put them out of their misery,” Linus suggested, although his tone of voice wasn’t quite as harsh as usual.

“No,” Echofly said quietly, “we’ve got to be able to help them.” She knelt beside the closest of the wounded rodents and rested her hand on its shoulder to comfort it.

Suddenly, its wounds began to close.

“What the-” Icepunk swore. “How did you do that?!”

The previously wounded hamster opened its eyes, shook its head vigorously - as if to clear cobwebs from its mind - and scampered off to help the others clean up the mess.

I looked at Echofly in awe. She was slightly winded and completely confused.

“I don’t know what just happened,” she said, sitting back heavily. “It’s like all of my energy just flowed out of my body.”

“Are you like, magical?!” Icepunk gasped.

“No, no deals with the devil here,” she said reassuringly, “but I’m as much at a loss to explain it as you are.”

“You’ve never healed anything before, I assume?” I asked.

“No, but then again, I’ve never really had an occasion to.”

“Wow!” Icepunk exclaimed. “First Malex’s amazing skill at killing people with nothing but a pair of turntables and a few well-loved records, then Boof and Poo’s intriguing skill when it comes to making people hate them, then Slappy’s uncanny inability to die, then my telepathy and other assorted super-powers, and now Echofly is a healer! Maybe somebody is preparing us for some big alien invasion that will ruin the lives of thousands and leave the Earth immolated and unable to support life!”

Everyone was silent for a few moments. I turned to Echofly and continued. “So, can you do this on command now?”

“I dunno, but I’ll try.” She walked over to another hamster and within minutes it was completely healed.

“The real question,” Linus mused, “is: Can you bring something back to life?”

We all looked at one another. “Somehow I doubt it,” she said, “but with all of the recent improbabilities, I’m willing to give it a shot.”

She walked over to one of the less damaged, but undoubtedly dead hamsters. “I’m already pretty fatigued though,” she said as she put her hands on the poor critter’s body and squeezed her eyes shut.

We all held our breath.

Nothing.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m not even able to expend any energy on this poor little one.”

“You know what I think?” I said as I examined one of the healed hamsters. “I think you’re just using your energy to speed up and strengthen the creature’s own recovery processes.”

“What makes you think that?” Linus queried.

“Look,” I said. “I wouldn’t expect scar tissue if it were something completely and utterly supernatural.”

“So it’s not magical?!” Icepunk seemed disappointed.

I rolled my eyes. Of Echofly, I asked, “So do you think you can continue to heal these few while we go fight for Hell’s freedom?”

“I guess...” she said.

“I don’t want you to fatigue yourself too badly,” I said, “but I also don’t want to let any of these poor critters extinguish for lack of recuperative energy.”

She nodded.

“Okay fellas!” Icepunk said. “Let’s march into Hell!”

Icepunk:

We gather weapons from the dead and head to the back of the warehouse where the portal to Hell is. Despite vague premonitions of my immortal soul forever being tormented, my spirits are high.

“Anyone else feel a draft?” Malex says after awhile.

“Yeah,” I say. “We must be close to the portal.”

We find a single Leprechaun guarding the portal. He screams in terror and jumps through the portal.

“After him!” Malex hollers. “He’ll alert the others!”

We jump through the portal after him into a realm of darkness and chill. Ice and snow are everywhere. Even the infamous lake of fire has become an ice-skating rink.

“Hell appears to be frozen over,” I note. “What do you suppose that means, metaphorically speaking?”

“I dunno, but it can’t be good,” Malex responds.

Stan walks up to us. “How are we going to clean this up? The heating bill is going to go through the freaking roof!”

“Yeah,” I say, “it is a bit nippy, isn’t it?”

“Those dratted Leprechauns!” Stan is fairly hopping with rage.

“Where are the Leprechauns, anyway?” I ask, drawing circles in the snow with my sword. “Thubthub, stop making snow angels.”

Thubthub shakes snow out of his fur.

Stan thoughtfully applies a generous amount of lipstick to his lips before replying. “There are only four intruders left: Leprechaun General Conroy, his lackey Muggles, Smacky the Teddy Bear, and an evil fairy.”

“What are those last two doing here?” I ask. “They aren’t Leprechauns.”

“Whatever. Just get them out of my hair so I can open up shop again.”

“Fine,” I say. “Remember our deal, though. You owe us big for this,” I remind him sharply. “Come on, guys, let’s go kill us some Leprechauns!”

Just then, a pair of Leprechauns and a teddy bear with a butcher knife leap at us, screaming bloody murder.

“Bloody murder!”

“Die!” I yell, quickly dispatching the Leprechauns.

Malex takes a shot at Smacky the Teddy Bear, but a fairy appears suddenly and whisks it out of sight.

“There, a happy ending!” I exclaim, wiping my forehead.

Stan clears his throat. “Um, not quite. There’s still the matter of you being in Hell for all of eternity.”