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Episode 01x46 - Leprechaun War

Icepunk:

“Stan and Stanlet have been captured,” I state, pacing back and forth with my hands clasped behind my back. “We need to prepare the hamsters for battle. Thubthub and I will arm the hamsters and set up a perimeter inside the fort. Echofly and Malex, cower and weep like you’re mortally afraid.”

“Why?” Malex and Echofly ask together.

“It somehow seems appropriate,” I respond, “especially since we’re all about to be massacred by Leprechauns.”

“Whatever,” Malex says.

“Linus,” I order, “write our last wills and testaments just in case.”

“But,” Linus counters, “you guys are living in a warehouse, you have no family, and the only friends that you have are going to die with you.”

“Fine,” I say. “Skip that and think up new ways to cuss out the Leprechauns. I want a whole dissertation ready for when those cretins get here.”

“Gladly.”

While Linus floats around and strings swear words together, Thubthub and I hand out weapons to the hamster warriors. One of them asks me for a smoke.

“Sorry, little dude,” I say. “I don’t have any cigars on me, but I do have a lighter.”

“Thanks, but I need a cigar and a shot of whiskey to prepare me for battle. See you later.” He thumps his chest and strolls off with an AR-15 on his shoulder.

One of the lookouts cries, “Leprechauns to the east!”

“Everyone!” I call. “To the walls!”

Malex:

Everyone tensed for battle, but fortunately, the group that approached us bore the white flag of peace.

“What do you want?!” Icepunk shouted out to the approaching party.

“We bring terms of peace!”

We all exchanged glances. “What terms?”

The little Leprechaun brandished a scroll that was as big around as its arm and let it drop, unrolling onto the floor.

“Ahem,” the little creature cleared its throat.

“You are all to wear nothing but green for a month. You shall all travel to Ireland to marvel at its natural beauty and unholy greenness. You shall all learn to dance a jig. You shall all become well-versed in the legends surrounding Leprechauns. You shall all stand on your heads and spin for a bit.”

“What the crap?!” Icepunk interrupted. “Aren’t there any terms in there that would benefit you AT ALL?!”

“Er, well...” the bearer of the terms of peace looked confused. “Let me see,” he said as he skimmed the list.

“Ah yes,” he smiled broadly, “I knew it was in here somewhere! You are to hand the hamster ‘King Thubthub’ over for immediate torture and execution.”

“NEVER!” Icepunk screamed.

“Look,” I said, “there’s got to be some way we can engineer this peacefully! Must there be bloodshed?”

Suddenly, the door was kicked in, and Slappy walked in.

“There you are, you miserable wastes of human tissue!” he screamed at the top of his feeble lungs. “Give up now! I’ve gotcha surrounded!”

“Then you do not accept our generous terms of peace?” the Leprechaun asked.

“PEACE?!” Slappy was still screaming. “I don’t want peace! I want PIECES! I want pieces of these critters strewn all over the globe!”

“Very well then, we shall attack within the hour.” And with that, the little envoy of ‘peace’ vanished into thin air.

“What?” asked Slappy, who had noticed the Leprechaun disappear. “What just happened?”

Icepunk:

“Slappy, you piece of crap!” I lunge at the old man and grab him by the collar. “What did you do that for? Now we’re screwed!”

“Not to interrupt this joyous reunion or defend Slappy, but when you refused to let them have Thubthub we were already quite screwed,” Malex says patiently.

I let go of Slappy roughly and point at him. “You’re not going anywhere, old man. You’re going to die with us!”

“But I can’t! I’m too young and debonair to die!” Slappy blubbers.

“Tough nuggets, Slappy.”

“Look!” someone shouts. “They’re coming!”

We watch as thousands upon thousands of Leprechauns march out of the portal to Hell. Echofly faints. Thubthub’s knees shake. Slappy turns a shade of green that doesn’t exist in nature. Even I feel a little bit bored.

Oh well. Dying young isn’t that terrible, I suppose. And besides, what better way to bite it than killing hundreds of Leprechauns with automatic weapons?

The Leprechauns carry small swords and ladders that they lean against the wall.

The first face that reaches the top of the wall in front of me disappears beneath a volley of gunfire.

Thubthub dispatches a pair of Leprechauns. “Watch my back, Icepunk.”

“Will do, little buddy.”

For about five or six hours, we fight the never-ending horde of Leprechauns.

I have taken to using my gun to smack the stuffing out of the Leprechauns instead of shooting them since we ran out of bullets a long time ago. The rest of my comrades are doing the same thing. Then, I slowly realize that there are no more breathing Leprechauns.

“We did it!” I yell. “We beat them!”

Malex:

We were victorious! It was difficult to see the floor, but at least the Leprechauns weren’t actively trying to kill us anymore.

“Say!” Icepunk said. “Where’d Slappy disappear to?”

Before anyone could respond, a Leprechaun, who I had begun to recognize as the leader of the Leprechauns, materialized out of thin air and turned its head this way and that, as if surveying the damage.

“You fiends!” it shouted. “You’ve defended yourselves! You’ve shown no mercy to these poor troops of mine!”

Linus, who had prepared a foul dissertation for the Leprechaun army, let said dissertation fly once more.

“Yeah, what he said!” Icepunk yelled. “You guys attacked us!”

“You think you’re clever do ya?!” the Leprechaun was fairly hopping with rage now. “Well, you may have won the round, but I’ve won the match!”

“What is he talking about?” Echofly asked.

“I’ve got your friends in me clutches!” he chortled to himself. “And I’ll never give ’em back until you submit to my terms of peace.”

“Friends?” I asked. “What friends would those be?”

“Well let’s see. There’s the whiny goat man that we evicted from our new headquarters, his sidekick, and some womanly man who keeps trying to tidy up Hell.”

“Well, you can keep Stan and Stanlet,” said Icepunk, “since I was beginning to think that Stan wasn’t going to give me all that money that he promised.”

“Yeah, but who is the other guy?” Echofly wondered.

“Could it be Zilly?” I asked.

“Aye, that’s the one,” the Leprechaun chortled again.

Icepunk gasped, “I wondered where he had got to!”

“He keeps going on about his Dumbbutt heritage.” The Leprechaun laughed a little Irish-sounding laugh. “Whatever that means.”