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Episode 01x45 - Lucky Charms

Icepunk:

“Is this about that Leprechaun that bit it at the thrift store?” I ask the smoldering Leprechaun. “Because if it is, you should know that he started it by biting my leg.”

“You will feel our stereotypical angst! Fear our uninspired hatred of your apathetic warmongering! And stay the heck away from our lucky charms, dastard!” With that he leaps, twirls, and says some sort of magic spell.

“Hmm. Wonder why that didn’t work,” the Leprechaun says.

“What was it supposed to do?” I query.

“Boil the flesh off your bones, combust your eyeballs, and cause a severe case of diarrhea.”

“Oh. Good thing it didn’t work.”

“Well, Plan B is significantly more unpleasant,” the Leprechaun says conversationally. “It involves a million of us invading your warehouse, burning your women and children, torturing you for ten years, then killing you slowly.”

“We don’t have any women and children.”

“Drat. Plan C, then.”

Malex:

Having delivered his curse, the Leprechaun leader leapt into the air and disappeared with a puff of rancid smoke.

“So that’s it then,” I muttered, “the legions of Hell are going to swarm into our dwelling and attack us. Splendid.”

“Oh humbug,” Stan said, “they’re not that bad.”

“Oh, I guess not,” Icepunk said. “They’ve only managed to depose Lucifer himself.”

“It’s STAN!” the old devil screamed. Stanlet whimpered and sought cover behind some boxes.

“What?” I asked. “Why not Lucifer?”

“It’s just got a bad vibe to it!” Stan stood up. Obviously he’d put a lot of thought into this one. “Stan is just so... neutral! Besides,” he added, batting his eyelashes, “don’t I just look like a Stan?”

“Not in the slightest,” I said matter-of-factly. “I think the goat’s feet shatter the whole image.”

“What about that whole Beelzebub thing?” Icepunk asked. “Weren’t you called that at some time or another?”

Stan looked embarrassed. “I had some cross-dressing issues back then. It got out of hand.”

Suddenly we heard a female voice call out, “Hello?”

“We’re up here!” I called down to Echofly. “We’ll be down in a minute!” To Stan, I said, “I suppose, since you’re here, you’d better come down where it’s semi-comfortable. I never actually expected to come face-to-face with you, so I never thought what I’d do if we met, but I guess I don’t have any excuse to treat you badly...”

We all descended to the floor of the immense warehouse and made our way back to the center stage.

The hamsters had apparently taken a liking to Echofly, and were pampering her in every conceivable way.

“If I didn’t know better,” Echofly said, cocking her eyebrow, “I’d say that this warehouse is bigger on the inside than it seems like on the outside.”

“Wow,” Icepunk said, “you’re only, like, the seventeenth person to notice.”

I rolled my eyes. “Echofly, meet Stan. We found him weeping up yonder on the shelves.”

“Oh, nice devil costume!” Echofly said.

“Why thank you,” Stan said, batting his long eyelashes.

Icepunk:

“We really need to get ready for the Leprechauns,” I say as I begin stacking boxes around the TV. “If they really do attack us, it could get ugly.”

“What makes you think boxes will keep them from slaughtering us all?” Malex asks.

“Leprechauns are like, two feet tall.”

Stan and Stanlet glance at each other. “Since you’re helping us, I suppose we could contribute.”

“How?”

“By stealing their lucky charms. Without them, they’re powerless.” Stan grins evilly.

“Really? Would that work?” I ask.

“Of course it will work. In fact, if they don’t get their lucky charms back soon, the entire species will die out!” Stan laughs wickedly. Stanlet laughs with him. Linus chuckles. Thubthub giggles. Soon, all of us are laughing and hooting for no obvious reason.

“My sides hurt,” I laugh. “Anyway, where were we?”

“Preparing for the Leprechaun invasion,” Stan reminds me.

“Oh yeah,” I said. “Linus, since you can float, why don’t you go find some weapons and stuff. I think I saw some boxes labeled ‘Property of Gunrunners Incorporated’ over in that direction.”

“Come, Stanlet,” Stan said evilly. “Let’s go steal their lucky charms.”

Malex:

“You know,” I whispered to the group, “I don’t think I trust Stan.”

“Who, Stan?” Icepunk whispered back. “Look at him; he’s harmless.”

“That’s just the point,” I responded. “I don’t think he could do anything evil by himself, but I certainly wouldn’t put it past him to try. And, with the Leprechauns involved, who knows what kind of damage he could accidentally do?”

“So what do you suggest?” Echofly asked.

“I think you and I had better follow him,” I said to Echofly, “just to see what he does.”

“Okay,” Icepunk said. “I’ll continue getting the troops ready for combat.”

Thubthub had assembled the rest of the hamsters into ranks. Icepunk went to them and began chattering in a loud voice, obviously giving them all a pep talk about giving their lives to defend their warehouse.

Echofly and I waited until Stan and Stanlet were just out of sight to begin following them.

The warehouse was indeed larger than I had imagined. I didn’t have any way to actually measure it, but I suspect that we walked and climbed for well over an hour before finally coming across a huge schism through space. Stan and Stanlet casually walked through, so Echofly and I were compelled to go up to it and peer in.

Inside, we could see what appeared to be Hell. There were pools of lava everywhere, but there was a chill breeze coming from the opening.

“Good grief,” Echofly said. “Look at all the Leprechauns.”

Indeed, there appeared to be thousands of them, all busy preparing for war.

“You know,” I said, “I’m starting to think that this is going to have to end in bloodshed.”

Echofly was about to make a smart remark when I interrupted her. “Look!” I said. “There’s Stan.”

Like a pro, he had managed to navigate to the very center of Hell without being caught. He was just arriving at a large bowl full of something that I didn’t immediately recognize.

“Old, hard marshmallows?” Echofly said in disbelief.

“By Jove, you’re right!” I exclaimed. “Can those stale things be the Leprechauns’ source of evil power?”

Before we could reason out an answer, however, Stan and Stanlet were caught. The Leprechauns all rushed toward Stan and Stanlet, grabbed them, and carried them, kicking and screaming, out of sight.

“Wanna go after them?” Echofly asked.

“Actually, no,” I said. “I really don’t feel like descending into Hell to rescue the devil. That does not sound appealing.”

“Well we’d better get back and warn the others,” Echofly said. “It looks like the Leprechauns are almost ready to attack.”