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Episode 01x44 - Rockets and Hamsters

The Hearing:

“Oh yes,” Malex said. “Somewhere in there, Icepunk returned to the apartment with a lot of explosives.”

“A lot of explosives? More than usual?”

“Yes,” Malex answered this first query. “It was the Fourth of July, you see, so we were supposed to blow stuff up.”

“You say he returned to the apartment. However, at this time, you had no apartment. How is this possible?”

“Well,” Malex chose his words carefully, “the events may be clear in my mind, but the order in which they occur may be slightly jumbled.”

A raised eyebrow.

“Look!” Malex was frustrated. “I’m telling everything as best as I can.”

“Of course. Please continue.”

“Actually,” Icepunk, who had appeared to be sleeping in his chair, took his feet down from the desk in front of him and spoke, “I can take it from here.”

“Please do.”

Icepunk:

I’ve just gotten back from the store and am ready to celebrate our country’s independence by detonating small incendiaries and pyrotechnics. Malex is chatting with Echofly, whom we have invited over for a barbecue.

“Hey guys!” I call. “I bought some illegal fireworks from Skanky Pete’s.”

“Icepunk, I told you not to go there,” Malex says. “The police could charge you with a dozen felonies and misdemeanors for just walking in there!”

“Relax. I haven’t been arrested yet, have I?”

“Look, just take all of those back - no, bury them somewhere! Just don’t use them!”

“Quit being such a wuss. What’s the worst thing that could happen?”

“You could go to prison for ten years.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously. Put down that lighter, please.”

Malex:

“Put down the lighter? Ha, that’s a laugh.” Icepunk chuckled. “Come on, let’s go mod these suckers!”

I normally wouldn’t have taken part in such a foolish episode, but some primal instinct took over. We were going to blow stuff up in order to celebrate not having to blow stuff up anymore! It was... patriotic.

We quickly acquired some hobby rocket engines and igniters, and were ready to rock!

We found a nice, quiet spot in the park to roast the flesh of dead animals and to blow stuff up, possibly killing other animals in the process.

Thubthub cooked the hamburgers after Icepunk convinced him that they had never been, and never would be, related to the rodent family. Icepunk, Linus, Echofly, and I all argued on the best way to send explosives into low orbit.

“You idiot!” Echofly exclaimed to Icepunk. “You need to distribute the D-class rocket engines SYMMETRICALLY! Otherwise, the whole thing might go careening out of control!”

“You know,” I said to Echofly. “I never knew you were into pyrotechnics...”

“Oh of course!” Echofly laughed. “Doesn’t everybody love to blow stuff up?”

“I guess...”

“Uh guys,” Linus said, “it looks like Icepunk’s doing ‘his own thing’. It might be prudent to intervene...”

I looked up in time to see a rocket the size of a medium satellite come careening toward my skull. Echofly screamed. Thubthub yelped. I dove out of the way.

Icepunk:

Thubthub’s screams make me spin around in time to see an errant rocket heading toward him, Echofly, Linus, and Malex.

“Poop!” I say in horror as Thubthub leaps to one side, leaving the rocket free to hit, and demolish, our barbecue grill.

Malex points at me shakily. “Icepunk, you stupid crap! You could have killed someone! Namely, us!”

The sound of sirens fills the still night air. “Let’s go eat dinner,” I say. “I’m hungry and we’re out of rockets now, except for ‘The Big One’.”

“The burgers were still on the grill, so now we have nothing to eat,” Echofly tells us. “At least it was your grill and not someone else’s.”

“Perfect,” I say, my voice dripping with sarcasm. “Oh well, we’ll just order a pizza.”

“I like pizza,” Thubthub says happily with ‘The Big One’ under his arm.

“So do I, old chum. So do I.”

Malex:

I laughed. “Thubthub can barely lift that rocket. It’s bigger than he is! What is he doing with it anyway?”

“I dunno,” Echofly said, “maybe he’s just curious.”

Now, we didn’t know it at the time, but as we were watching Thubthub, Linus was floating toward the remote ignition device.

We heard a click and Thubthub’s eyes became as wide as dinner plates. “Squeak?!” he managed to say before he suddenly sailed several thousand feet into the air.

“Thubthub!” Echofly screamed. “What are we gonna do?!”

I squinted into the dusk. “Icepunk, it appears as though that jet is about to collide with your hamster.”

Linus began to weep. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it! It was only a prank!” This dissertation was then followed by one of the most sorrowfully incoherent barrages of cuss-words that I’ve ever been witness to.

Thubthub:

At first, I was afraid. Now, I am determined. I managed to shove away the rocket before it blew up, so I am barely burned. Now that I have survived the trip up, I must now survive the trip down. Hmm... Perhaps this passing aircraft will aid me in this quest.

Icepunk:

I immediately concoct a desperate plan to save Thubthub. “Alright, I think Thubthub is holding onto that plane. Malex, run inside and grab some binoculars. I’ll start the car.”

“Okay,” Malex responds, “what are we doing exactly?”

“Saving Thubthub!”

Echofly, Linus and I hop in the car and start it up. Malex runs out and gets in the passenger seat. I skid out of the parking lot and onto the road. I try as best I can to follow the jet to the airport, while Malex uses the binoculars to make sure Thubthub is okay.

“He’s fine,” Malex reports. “Although he shouldn’t nap while hanging onto the wing of a plane.”

“We’re almost there,” I say, gritting my teeth. “Hang on, Thubthub.”

We pull into the airport parking lot and run to the terminal. We accost one of the clerks and demand that he let us onto the runway. “My hamster is landing here!” I yell. “Let us onto the runway!”

“I’m sorry sir, but-”

“Never mind,” I shove him out of the way and run past. “I don’t need your permission to save my friend.”

We jog onto the runway where the plane is just now touching down. When it comes to a halt, I run to Thubthub and hug him. He squeaks in pain and cries a little because of his burns, but otherwise he’s okay.

“Linus, you retard!” I scold. “Don’t ever fire my hamster into the stratosphere again or you’ll be grounded for a year!”

Author’s Note:

Sorry for that little diversion folks! The main storyline will be back next week. Stay tuned!