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Episode 01x43 - Stan and Stanlet

Zilly:

Completely repulsed by the horrible little suit that Icepunk forced me to wear, I traveled back to the thrift store in order to return it.

“But sir, the sign says very clearly that all sales are final.” The woman behind the counter was trying to confuse the issue. I didn’t want these clothes (if indeed they could be labeled as such) and I told her as much.

However, before we could resolve the issue, I noticed another Leprechaun sitting on the shelf behind her.

“Excuse me miss,” I addressed the wench. “Are you aware that you have a small stuffed Leprechaun sitting behind you?”

“I’m sorry?” She seemed confused, and turned to look at it. It seemed harmless enough, but I couldn’t forget the earlier incident at this same shop. A similar small Leprechaun had nearly bitten me to death.

“I don’t really know what that’s doing there,” she said, turning back to face me. Suddenly, she screamed. I turned around and screamed myself. The entire store - every shelf, every nook, and every cranny - was now populated by small stuffed Leprechauns.

“Somehow,” I said. “I’m starting to think that these aren’t stuffed.”

Immediately, they all turned their heads to look at me, hopped down from their shelves, and started to advance toward me menacingly.

That’s when I fainted.

Malex:

I finally snapped. “So can Linus and I stay with you or not?!”

Icepunk looked confused. “Why not? This whole time I’ve been under the impression that I was never going to get rid of you.”

“Well, yeah...” Now I was confused.

“Are you offering to leave?” Icepunk seemed hopeful.

“Not really, no.”

“Then stay! Come on, let’s see if we can find anything good in here.” Icepunk continued to climb the storage shelves. “Dang, this place is huge!”

Icepunk:

In a crate in the back of the warehouse I discover a big-screen TV and plug it in. Next I visit the local electronics store and buy a Z-Box, several controllers and a copy of Leprechaun Killing Spree.

When I arrive back at the warehouse, I proclaim, “We’re all set! I got us a TV and a Z-Box. Of course, it took all my money and we have no way to get more, so that sort of sucks. But, hey! Unlimited gaming! Anyone up for a round of LKS?”

“What about food?” Malex asks.

“Huh?” I ask. “Did you bring us some while I was gone?”

Malex clocks me and I end up on the hard cement floor. “Ow, dang it Malex! That hurt, you son of a lemming!”

I wipe my bloody nose and dust off my pants. “What was that for?”

Malex grabs me by my shirt. “You used the last of our money for video games instead of food? You stupid, stupid little crap. What are we going to do now?”

“Sell all the useless stuff in this warehouse?” I suggest. “There’s a lot of stuff that we could use, but the rest we could just sell. Now let me go before I sic the hamsters on you.”

Malex lets me go. “Alright, let’s look for stuff to sell.”

“Great. First, though, let’s try out this new Z-Box!”

“No.”

Malex:

Icepunk and I continued to explore the warehouse, climbing around on the seemingly endless shelving units and finding dusty corners that hadn’t seen the light of day for millennia.

“Hey look!” Icepunk yelled to me across the deep chasm between shelving units, “I’ve just found the bones of a great warrior! It says so on the memorial stone!”

“You know,” I noted, staring into the misty darkness, “this warehouse seemed a lot smaller on the outside.”

“True,” Icepunk mused. “Either my legs are easily tired or we’ve been walking for about a mile now.”

“It’s almost as if there’s something supernatural at work here to make this place more odd.”

I leapt over the five-foot chasm to join Icepunk, who was rifling through large amounts of junk.

I continued, “I really can’t understand how this stuff got here. It’s too weird to come to terms with.”

I flipped an old cardboard box over, only to discover an old woman, bundled in rags, sitting underneath it.

“Can I help you?” she asked tersely.

“Uh, can WE help YOU?” I was miffed. “This is my friend’s warehouse! What are you doing here?!”

“I live here, and you just demolished my house! You fiend!” She jumped up and began to bite and claw at us.

“Okay! Okay! You can have your house back! I’m sorry for disturbing you!”

We placed the cardboard box back over her head and quickly retreated.

After another couple of hours of exploring, we became aware of the faint sound of sobbing.

Icepunk:

We see a man with horns, a tail, and what appears to be goat’s feet weeping in a corner. A short little guy - also wearing horns and a tail - comforts him like a sycophant yes-man.

“It’ll be okay, mister devil sir. We’ll get your underworld kingdom back from those dastardly Leprechauns.”

“Oh, thank you, Stanlet. I feel so much better now. And call me Stan from now on, for I am no longer the prince of darkness.” He begins crying again.

“There, there, Stan.”

I clear my throat. “Um, dude. What the heck are you doing here? I didn’t spend twenty thousand dollars on this warehouse so that every deranged homeless person in the city can live here.”

The bigger horned guy looks up and blubbers, “But those dratted Leprechauns have deposed me and taken away my beautiful lake of fire! Couldn’t you please help me?”

I glance at Malex, who seems about as stupefied as I am. I clear my throat nervously. and say, “Well, it’s not every day that we get asked to help demons in distress-”

Stan suddenly becomes very charming, “For your assistance I could help you become wealthy again. After all, you just lost your home! Now you’re living in a warehouse, of all places...”

“We’re not that bad off, but thank you for your offer,” Malex replies abruptly. “Let’s go, Ice.”

“Wait. I’m interested. Tell me, Stan, how much money will you give us if we help you?”

Malex:

“How much money will I give you?” Stan seemed bemused. “Why, all of it of course. All the money in the world!”

“Ding-dingetty!” Icepunk exclaimed joyfully.

“Hold on there pardner!” I interjected, grabbing Icepunk’s shoulder and spinning him around to face me. “This just doesn’t seem right. I mean, he’s the devil! He INVENTED double-crossing! I’m sure he’d go back on his word if he had the chance.”

Stan began to weep again. “Oh how I yearn for those days! To really be the prince of evil again!”

“Uh, I thought that was a life-time position,” I said.

“That’s what they said about being the director of music.”

“Ah. Well, that’s what you get for, you know, ticking off your boss...”

“Pish posh. That’s all water under the bridge now.” Stan was trying to change the subject.

“Uh huh,” I said incredulously. “I’d ask about the whole Leprechaun thing, but I’m under the impression that it’d be basically pointless.”

“Pointless? Why?” He looked as if he were about to cry again.

“Well, don’t take it personally, but I don’t exactly trust you.”

Suddenly, I noticed a Leprechaun behind Icepunk. He poked Icepunk’s leg, getting him to turn around. “Excuse me,” it began. “May I have a word with you?”