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Episode 01x42 - Kewl-Aid

Icepunk:

“Thubthub, quit whining,” I say. “I don’t have the money to pay for hospital care. My old medical insurance company backed out once they decided that I habitually made stuff up. I guess the whole ‘all the witnesses are dead’ story got old after a while. Anyway, we need to get out of here tonight.” I help Thubthub out of his bed so we can leave the hospital by way of the fire escape.

“But I’m tired and the nurses think I’m cute as a button,” Thubthub complains as we climb down. “Do you know how much Kewl-Aid they’ve been giving me to drink?”

“We can get plenty of Kewl-Aid once we’re set up in the warehouse,” I say patiently. “Aw, crap. We’ve run out of stairs and there’s still a twenty foot drop to the pavement. Oh well, guess we’ll have to jump. Good thing we’re already at a hospital.”

“I’m scared,” Thubthub whimpers.

“Those nurses really wussified you, didn’t they?” I ask. “Suck it up; you’re a war general. Besides, with all of that plaster on you the fall probably won’t shatter every bone in your body.”

Thubthub perches on the fire escape railing and, with a cry of terror, leaps down into a conveniently placed stack of mattresses.

“You okay?” I call down.

“Yeah, this is actually pretty comfortable,” he says.

“Good. Move over, I’m coming down.”

I then gracefully jump off the fire escape, missing the pile of mattresses completely and landing resoundingly on my back.

“Icepunk?! Are you okay?”

Malex:

I found myself surrounded by vicious, knee-high hamsters bearing all manner of firearms, blades, and explosives.

I had surely found Icepunk’s warehouse.

Linus tried his best to frighten them away with sheer vulgarity, and even attempted to reason with them in their native tongue, but it did no good. They began to chant loudly in their hamster language.

“Back! Back!” I screamed. “Back you filthy little vermin!”

Instead of backing up, however, they began to advance faster. Having failed to communicate in English, I tried something else. “Uh, squeak? Squeaker! Squeakity! Squeakin!”

The crowd of hamsters reached us, lifted us up off the ground, and began to carry us away.

“Wonderful,” Linus said sarcastically. “There’s no saving us now.”

Icepunk:

“You’ve been incredibly lucky, Mister Punk. That fall should have broken your spine and left you paralyzed for life, but instead you just have a bruise covering your entire body,” the doctor - whose name I’d already forgotten - frowns perplexedly. “I’ve never seen anyone so lucky.”

“Good, because I don’t have medical insurance.”

The doctor’s frown turns into a scowl. “Well, be seeing you then.”

“Sure. Got any Kewl-Aid, by the way?”

“I’m terribly sorry, but the Kewl-Aid is reserved for paying customers.”

“Customers? This is a hospital! How dare you commercialize medical care, you greedy piece of-”

“GOOD DAY, SIR!” The doctor says indignantly.

“Okay! I’m leaving, I’m leaving.”

Thubthub and I leave the hospital as quickly as possible. An hour after the doctor kicked us out, we finally make it out the door.

“Thubthub,” I tell the sullen, bloated hamster, “next time you say goodbye to the nurses before leaving the hospital, you’d better not accept every cup of Kewl-Aid that they offer. You must have consumed ten gallons of the stuff.”

After a few miles of walking, we find ourselves back at the warehouse. “Do you hear shouting?”

Thubthub cocks an ear. “Yeah, that sounds like Linus.”

“Wow, I didn’t even know that word could be used in that context,” I say admiringly. “I think he’s been captured by General Snuggles and his men.”

“Think we should help him?” Thubthub asks. “My warriors aren’t very kind to prisoners.”

“I dunno,” I muse. “I’m kind of hungry myself. Want to go get a pizza?”

“Ooh, pizza!” Thubthub says excitedly. “Wait! What if they decide to kill him? You wouldn’t believe the things they do for fun.”

I sigh. “Yeah, you’re right. Malex would get mad if Linus was killed and we did nothing to help.”

Malex:

The hamsters had started a fire and were apparently preparing to cook my laptop and me over it when Icepunk finally showed up.

He immediately waved his hands at them and chattered loudly in their tongue. Whatever he said caused them to let me go and to start up their ‘training’ again.

“Icepunk! Thank goodness you showed up!” I shuddered. “I think they were going to roast me alive.”

“Nah,” Icepunk reassured us, “they would have killed you long before cooking you. What do you think they are, barbarians?”

“What about ME?!” Linus screamed. “They couldn’t figure out how to kill me, so they were just going to burn me alive! The savages!”

“Never mind all that,” Icepunk said as he untied me. “All’s well that ends well, eh?”

“Ah yes, regarding the ‘ending well’ bit,” I said as I rubbed my wrists. “Linus and I have been wandering the city looking for a place to stay since the apartment was demolished.”

“Really?” Icepunk asked. “Any luck?”

“Er, well, now that you mention it, no.”

“Well,” he said, “this warehouse may be okay for the hamsters, but you’re way too feminine to sleep on concrete.”

“Thanks...” I rolled my eyes.

“Gee, I wonder...” Icepunk muttered distractedly. “Sometimes they leave stuff in these warehouses. Maybe we can find some big screen TVs or furniture or something!”

He started to wander off.

“Um, Icepunk,” I said, jogging after him, “you wouldn’t happen to know what you’re going to do for a place to stay would you?”

“Not really. I’ll probably stay here for now.”

“Eh, well...” Dang it, Icepunk’s total lack of empathy or manners was making this extremely difficult. “I was wondering if Linus and I could stay with you, Thubthub, and Zilly for the time being.”

“Oh my gosh!” Icepunk yelled, nearly pitching off the shelving unit he had been climbing. “Where’s Zilly?”

Zilly:

I, Reginald Q. Zilly XII, former high commander of the Dumbbutt fleet, have been exiled from the palace of my own creation by my saviors, the vaunted Malex and Icepunk. Oh, how the mighty have fallen!

Now I’m stuck on this festering, barbaric, waste of a planet, doomed to a life of terrible poverty and amazing ill fortune. How could things possibly get any worse?

I know. I think I shall run away. I think I shall run away and never come back!