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Episode 01x40 - Homeless

Malex:

Icepunk and Slappy made their way down to the lawn in front of the apartment building, insulting each other the whole way.

Icepunk, still in his Incredibly Amazing Icepunk getup, brandished an illegal assault rifle.

Slappy jumped, flipped, and whipped out a blade that seemed more like a robot than a simple sword. As he landed in a defensive position, the blade started to unfurl and spin. It was all quite impressive and ominous in my personal opinion.

Thubthub, Linus and I were sitting on one of the benches that surrounded the green. Thubthub was toying with some kind of modified firearm, obviously itching to get in on the action, but reluctant to interfere with Icepunk’s honorable duel.

Linus’ battery had been exhausted in the struggle with Slappy’s lackeys, but he was still cussing up a storm.

“Hey,” I whispered to Linus. “I liked how you tried to bite Slappy’s head off, literally. That was amazing.”

“Yeah, well, the guy was askin’ for it,” Linus said huffily. “The ‘kidnapping Linus’ thing just doesn’t go over real big in my book.”

“Uh, he brought you home.”

“Let’s not get hung up on details here, it’s the principle of the thing!”

Icepunk:

I stare at the blade Slappy is wielding. “Slappy, dude, that sword looks pretty wicked.”

“Why thank you, Ice-crap-hole,” Slappy says. “It’s a custom-made Demon Impaler 50K.” Slappy brandishes the sword.

“Nice,” I say. “I, on the other hand, have an M16A1 assault rifle with a custom scope.”

“Why can’t you just use a sword? Why is it always guns?” Slappy demands.

“Guns are cool,” I say, chambering a round and aiming between Slappy’s beady eyes. “Anyway, you should talk... Every time I see you, you have some sharp new death contraption. So let’s get this over with.”

“But it isn’t fair,” Slappy whines. “You can shoot me and all I can do is cut your limbs and head off.”

“Deal with it!”

“Fine,” Slappy says. “Just this once I’ll let you use the weapon of your choice. However, some ground rules need to be decided on.” Slappy quickly tests the sharpness of his blade with his thumb.

“Like no hitting below the belt?” I suggested.

“I was thinking you shouldn’t be allowed to shoot me in the face, and I can’t cut off your arms or legs.”

“Anything else goes though, right?” I ask while setting my weapon on burst-fire.

“Sure. You,” he points at Thubthub. “You’re the referee. Make certain that no foul play occurs.”

Thubthub, eager to take part in the proceedings, jumps off the bench and scurries over to us. “Okay,” he chatters. “Rules are: one-on-one, to the death, and no severing of limbs or mutilating of faces. The boundaries are that tree over there and the street over there.”

I translate for Slappy and the duel begins.

“At last I’ll be rid of you, Ice-chuck!” Slappy rants.

“Would you please stop using my name for bad puns?” I request.

“Only when I’ve killed you and danced naked on your grave!”

“I did not need to hear that. Seriously.” I fire a few shots at Slappy, who nimbly dodges out of the way and slashes at me with his bizarre sword. I parry with my rifle and fire again. Slappy throws down his sword, grabs me, and flings me into the apartment building.

Malex:

The duel had just gotten underway when the building manager, whose name I honestly didn’t remember, came running out screaming.

“Hey!” the building manager screamed. “No weapons on the premises!”

“Can’t you see that there’s a duel going on?” Linus screamed at the top of his speakers. He then added something to the tune of “you inconsiderate, dastardly nincompoop,” only with much more peppery language.

As all of this went on, Echofly walked up to the building, saw me, and started yelling at me.

“Didn’t you say that you’d bring some food or something?!” she yelled. “I’ve been holding down the fort at your stupid office for DAYS!”

“Oh no!” I exclaimed apologetically. “I meant to right away, and so many things went wrong at once that I kinda forgot...”

Before Echofly could even respond, Slappy grabbed Icepunk, swung him around three or four times, and launched him directly into the apartment building.

Icepunk was only in the air for an instant, but in that time, all I could think was that Slappy sure was nimble for a guy who’d seen more centuries than most of us ever would.

Icepunk slammed, face-first, right between two windows on the third floor of the wing that had recently become our apartment. Unfortunately, the recent structural overhaul had left the building far less stable than was required to withstand such a crushing blow.

“Aye!” weeped the building manager. “My west wing! She is demolished!”

“More like ‘imploded’,” Linus interjected. “So, am I in Icepunk’s will?”

Icepunk:

Stunned, I just sort of lie in a pile of debris and wonder why the building is shaking. It takes me a moment to realize that Slappy throwing me into the building has caused this half of the building to begin collapsing on itself. I stand up shakily and run out of the building as the roof falls inwards. Since I’m on the third floor, I need to jump a good twenty feet or so to get clear of the destruction. I nimbly roll, land on my feet, and flick some chunks of debris off my shoulder.

I stroll over to Malex, Slappy, Thubthub, Linus, the rent-a-goons and the building manager, who are watching silently as the building collapses.

To Malex I say, “What do we do now? We’re homeless.”

Malex:

“I’ll say you’re homeless!” the building manager screamed, literally hopping with rage. “You will pay for these damages if it’s the last thing you do! I’ll take you to court so fast it’ll make you think that time is ripping! You’ll become so familiar with the phrase ‘solitary confinement’ that you’ll wish you’d never been born! You will stare at the bars of your cell and pray for lightning to end the misery!”

I sighed, took my wallet out of my pocket, and handed the building manager the rest of my share of the money from the bunny sale. “Here, this is everything I have in the entire world. Please just leave me alone...”

With a heart full of despair, I picked Linus up and started walking - away from the ruined building, away from the scary old man with the evil-looking blade, and away from my ‘friends’.