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Episode 01x35 - Festering Bubble Monkeys

Malex:

Icepunk had left to find room for Thubthub to train his hamster warriors. Thubthub and a few other hamsters had left with him. That left me to continue organizing and cleaning with Linus, who wasn’t able to help anyway.

He was able to irritate though, and with mad abandon did he irritate.

“Come on!” Linus said to me. “I really want some mobility here!”

“I still don’t know what you want me to do,” I countered wearily. “Realistically, there isn’t anything.”

“Anti-gravity gliders!” Linus responded gleefully.

“I don’t know how those work.”

“Oh it’s easy!” Linus said. “I’ll tell you how to make them if you install them on my laptop.” Excited, he continued, “Ha, I’ll be able to fly!”

“Okay, okay!” I said, finally giving in. “What do I need?”

Linus pondered for a moment. “Well, you already have tools and coffee makers. The only other item on the list would be a smoke detector.”

“A smoke detector,” I stated wearily.

“Lots of them, actually,” Linus said.

I surveyed the mess in the apartment. I considered the possibility of learning the secrets of anti-gravity. Simple choice.

“Alright, lets go find us some smoke detectors,” I said.

Icepunk:

Generally, wandering around town after dark looking for a building for rent isn’t a good idea, but since I have Thubthub with me, I’m as safe as if I were at home in bed.

We pass a bum sitting on the sidewalk. He looks up and says, “Festering Bubble Monkeys ate my brain!”

“Whoa, dude!” I rebuke the bum. “I didn’t need to hear that.”

He curses and staggers toward me. Thubthub squeaks and comes to my defense by leaping on his head, clawing at him, biting him, and pulling his hair.

When Thubthub is finished, we continue on, eventually coming across a warehouse with a sign that says ‘For Sale’.

I peer in one of the broken windows. “What do you think, Thubthub? Your warriors could not only train here, but live here as well.”

Thubthub tugs at my leg. “Let me see.”

I give him a boost so he can look too. “Yeah! I like it, and so will my warriors. Can you obtain the proper currency for it?”

“Sure. I have a good thirty or forty-thousand dollars left.” I write the company’s number on my arm with a felt-tip marker and then leave.

Malex:

There was no way we were going to find a good supply of smoke detectors as late as it was, but I didn’t want to return to the apartment, since it was too messy to really come to terms with.

I had my laptop in my backpack, and was communicating with Linus via a cheap headset that I had plugged into the microphone and headphone ports of the laptop.

“Well,” Linus was saying, “I suppose we could just wait until tomorrow, but-”

“Malex!” called someone from inside the alley that I was just passing. “In here!”

Afraid of what I’d find, I cautiously peeked into the alley and saw the outline of a Squid. “Oh hi, MuffinsAreYummy. What’s up?”

He pointed at a weeping, humanoid figure hiding behind a trash bin. “We’ve got a bit of a problem.”

“Dr. Zilly?!” I said as I recognized the figure behind the trash bin.

“Yes,” MuffinsAreYummy continued, “we were going to put Zilly on trial for his evildoing, but we ran into a slight snag during interrogation.”

“Snag?” I asked. “What kind of snag are we referring to?”

“Apparently, Dr. Zilly isn’t actually evil.”

“WHAT?!” I bellowed, startling some people who happened to be passing the alley. MuffinsAreYummy backed deeper into the shadows.

Zilly made an effort and pulled himself together. “I must admit, I was angry enough that I might have killed you if I had ever been given the chance, but I’ve never really killed anything!”

“Never killed anything...?” My head hurt.

“No!” Zilly said. “As the son of a great Dumbbutt warrior, it was expected that I would take my father’s command as soon as I was old enough. I’ve never liked war though, at least, not war for the sake of killing.” Zilly looked around and wrung his hands nervously.

I was still incredulous, but was starting to get interested.

“Besides not enjoying my job, I’m just not good at it!” Zilly squeaked. “I lost so many ships on the front line that the Dumbbutt High Command sent me to earth just to get me out of their way. Now, if they find out that I lost another ship AND SURVIVED THE DISASTER, they’ll execute me for sure!”

“So, what?” I asked. “Are you trying to defect?”

“Well...” Zilly looked like a rodent in a snake’s cage.

“He tried to defect to our side,” MuffinsAreYummy said, “but we can’t take him. We really don’t have anywhere for him to go or food to feed him. Of course, there’s also a major element of bigotry there that I don’t even feel like rooting out at the moment.”

“So how does this involve me?” I asked, although I suspected that I already knew.

“Can you take him?” MuffinsAreYummy asked. “He’s going to blend in much better here on Earth than on a Squid ship or colony, and our intense interrogation methods couldn’t flesh out any real wrongdoing in him.”

I looked at him and shook my head slightly. Why did all of the weird crap have to happen to me?

Zilly, sensing my reluctance, threw himself at my feet. “Please, PLEASE have mercy!”

“Good grief, stand up!” I shook my head wearily. “Fine, you can stay with me and Icepunk for a while. Just don’t try to strangle us in our sleep.”

“Well I’m glad that’s over,” MuffinsAreYummy said, and immediately vanished in a transporter beam.

“Over. Right.” I rolled my eyes and walked back to the apartment with Zilly following just behind.

Icepunk:

I walk into the apartment with Thubthub in tow. “Hey,” I say to Malex, “the place still has lots of sand in it!”

Thubthub squeaks and points at someone slumped in a chair by the table. My brain slowly realizes that it’s Dr. Zilly, the fiendish Dumbbutt who has tried to kill us several times already. “Malex! How did HE get in here? Should we pop him off?”

Malex sighs bitterly. “Take it easy, he’s on our side now. Unfortunately.”

“How did this happen?! I was only gone for like, an hour.”