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Episode 01x34 - Mental Warning

Malex:

We all returned at once, and I immediately cursed Robb and Bobb for making the transporter cubicle so small.

“Help! Help!” Poo screamed. “I’m being crushed!”

“Arrgh!” Linus started cussing elaborately, “My body is gone! GONE I tell you!”

We all tumbled, painfully, out of the transporter cubicle. I picked myself up and dusted myself off.

“I ain’t got no body!” Linus sang desolately.

“Hey Jennings!” Icepunk waved to the only person in the room who didn’t arrive from inside the GameSloob. “Long time no see! What are you doing here?”

“Hey Malex!” Linus continued. “I’m having an OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE!”

“Okay, Linus. I get the picture!” I responded. To Jennings I said, “Hey. What happened to Robb and Bobb?”

Poo started stammering, “It’s- It’s-”

“It’s okay,” Boof said, glancing nervously in Jenning’s direction. To the rest of us, he said, “See ya all later!” Like a shot, they were both gone.

Icepunk:

Boof and Poo leave while Malex and I stay to talk to Jennings. I start to say something, but a voice enters my head. It sounds like Boof, only creepier and echoey. He says, “Listen, Icepunk, we’ve never been on friendly terms, but since you helped Poo and I, I’ll give you a warning: don’t trust Jennings.”

“Why?” I try to respond, but the eerie voice in my head is gone, leaving me to wonder if I imagined it or not.

Malex:

Without warning, Icepunk dove to the floor and started flopping around like a fish out of water. “Why?!” he screamed. “WHY ME?”

“To answer your question,” Jennings addressed me, “Robb and Bobb were both Dumbbutts, so I dispatched them both.”

Thubthub and Echofly were tending to Icepunk and trying to get him to calm down.

“So you know about the whole Dumbbutt versus Squid versus Earth thing?” I asked him.

“Oh yes,” he responded grimly. “The agency that I work for knows all about the situation, and we’re trying desperately to deal with it. These things take time though, so we’ve all just got to be patient and keep our chins up.”

I nodded grimly. Icepunk stood up shakily.

“I say old chap,” Jennings said to Icepunk in his comfortingly British accent, “are you alright?”

“I think I’ll be okay,” Icepunk said. “Except that somebody just molested my brain...”

“By the by,” Jennings continued, “I do hope you like tides.”

“What?” I interjected. “Why? What do TIDES have to do with anything?”

“Well, when your friend,” Jennings pointed at Icepunk, “misused the Dumbbutt transporter, he managed to send a large mountain into orbit around Earth. We now have two moons.”

“Ah,” I said, slightly dazed at the news.

“I suspect that covers very nearly everything,” Jennings said and turned to go. “Ta-Ta for now!”

“Strange,” I said. “He always seems to be in the thick of things, doesn’t he? Oh well, let’s get back to the office. Perhaps we’ll get more business before the day is out.”

Icepunk:

We drive back to the office and leave Echofly there with promises of bringing back Chinese takeout or something so she doesn’t starve. She, in turn, vows to answer the phone and let us know when if have a prospective customer. Then we drive home, tired and mentally damaged from our most recent GameSloob experience.

Malex:

“Hey Malex?” Linus queried as we drove back to the apartment. “You know that I’m stuck in a laptop, right?”

“Uh, yeah...” I said warily.

“Well, I just thought you ought to know that experiencing full mobility has me kinda unhappy about the whole ‘getting lugged around in somebody’s backpack’ thing,” Linus said patiently.

I glanced at him. “Well, I’m not sure how much mobility we can get you. Robot bodies are kinda rare...”

“Well, what about some anti-gravity gliders so I can fly around?” He asked hopefully.

I shook my head. “You really have no concept of the state of human technology do you?”

“Well I’m starting to get the picture,” Linus growled. He then proceeded to sulk all the way back to the apartment.

Icepunk:

“Look at the mess we have to clean up before we can live here again,” Malex says with a sigh.

He’s right. Our apartment is filled with about a hundred tons of sand from when the Squids transported us to Egypt to retrieve the grotesque pink bunny.

“I’ll go ask one of our neighbors if we can borrow a heavy-duty vacuum cleaner,” Malex tells me. “You and Thubthub try to salvage whatever you can.”

He leaves and I try to sift through the debris and find perishables that haven’t already perished. Instead of helping, Thubthub begins a chess game with Linus. Poor Linus can’t stand being beaten by a hamster, albeit a big, smart, genetically altered super hamster, but he can’t seem to resist the challenge. As the game progresses, some of the hamster warriors come and watch.

After a while, Malex returns with a huge, industrial vacuum cleaner. As he sets it up, a few hamsters get in his way, and he waves them away frustratedly. “These hamsters are really going to have to go,” he says.

“Actually, Thubthub wanted to know if his warriors could stay here in the apartment to train,” I tell Malex. “I told him that I thought it was a great idea, but that we would need your approval before he moved all of his troops here.”

“Absolutely not,” is the immediate response.

Thubthub, who has guessed what the conversation is about, looks inquisitively at me. “What did he say?”

“He needs time to think about the idea of having several legions of hamsters here,” I reply.

Malex, who is trying to get the monster of a vacuum cleaner to start up, continues, “I don’t want a bunch of giant hamsters running around our apartment, training with weapons, practicing paw-to-paw combat, or, God forbid, using ‘gnawing and clawing’ techniques on us or the furniture. Do you really want that?”

“No, but-” I begin.

“Then it’s settled,” he states. “No hamsters with the exception of King Thubthub, since he obviously won’t leave us alone.”

“Quit being such a gnarly, festering butt, Malex,” I respond angrily. “Genetically-altered super-hamsters have feelings too!”

Malex stops fiddling with the vacuum cleaner and charges me. I grab him and put him in a headlock. He flails and hits me in the stomach. I release him and throw sand in his eyes.

Malex claws at his eyes and whines, “No frigging fair, you cheater!”

“Well, you’re a-” I start.

“I know. I know. I’m a gnarly, festering butt,” he offers his hand for me to shake.

“No, now you’re an ambushing, cretinous excuse for a human being!” I say joyfully.

He lowers his hand. “Fine, but the hamsters still can’t train here.”

“Whatever,” I say. “Come on Thubthub, let’s go find some place where you guys can train for the Dumbbutt invasion.”

Malex looks annoyed. “You’re just gonna leave me to clean up this mess? YOU SUCK!”

Needless to say, I slam the door really hard as I leave. I think it might even be broken. Yet another thing to annoy Malex! Yay!