Menu

Episode 01x19 - King Thubthub

Malex:

Being entirely unsure of how to proceed, we followed Jubhead to his new apartment.

As we walked up to the building, I noted a fire escape system snaking along the outside. Nice.

People were just starting to arrive, and it was obvious that Jubhead had invited a nice selection of some of the most regularly stoned of the clubbers.

I scanned the crowd quickly. Most of the faces I recognized, some I didn’t. I was starting to put two and two together though, and this particular four was especially nasty. The people I recognized I knew to be generally bad eggs. The people I didn’t recognize were nasty-looking enough that I really didn’t have to guess.

Then I saw Echofly. She was as beautiful as I remembered, but she looked more troubled. I wanted to go talk with her, but she was with another guy, and a big guy at that. Meh, I wasn’t being paid to chase women, so I tried to focus on the task at hand.

And, then, I noticed ‘it’. It had to be the game console. It looked somewhat homemade, and it appeared to be hooked up to the television, but there was something odd about it. It was kinda big, but that was to be expected from a prototype. There was something else, but I didn’t have time to figure out what before Jubhead started speaking.

“Well guys,” he began, “what do you think?” He gestured toward the GameSloob.

The others around us inquired as to the nature and function of the device, but their choice of wording was such that I hesitate to quote. Jubhead answered, saying that it was a new game that some friends of his were working on. I shook my head, but said nothing.

“Seriously, it’s the best video game system ever!” Jubhead said. “There can be as many players as you want, and the graphics are so realistic that you’ll think you’re really dead if you get shot!”

Jubhead was just challenging some of the others to play when a very oversized man burst in with a large case, covered by some sort of dark blanket.

“Dude! Spiff!” Jubhead greeted the newcomer. “It’s been forever! Where have you been?!”

‘Spiff’ was obviously upset about something related to the case that he had carried in, but my attention was suddenly drawn elsewhere, as Echofly and her large friend were getting into a heated disagreement about something or other. She tried to move away from him, but he roughly grabbed her wrist and yanked her back. I was about to intervene, when my attention was drawn away yet again.

Spiff had yanked the cover off the case, and had revealed it to be a cage with some large animal in it. The critter was hunched in the middle of the cage, and was baring some impressive teeth at the people around it. I looked, but I couldn’t figure out what kind of animal it was, until Spiff spoke.

“There it is!” Spiff yelled. “That’s the hellish creature that led the attack that took my brother’s life! I caught the whole bunch of those hamsters in the act, and managed to snag this one.”

“Dude, that sucks,” Jubhead said, “but why did you bring it here?”

“I dunno what to do!” Spiff said. “Look at the thing! I can’t take it to the authorities! I’ve gotta avenge my brother, but I can’t think of the best way to kill something that big!” By now Spiff was sputtering and screaming at the top of his lungs.

“This must be the leader of that hamster army that was going around conquering evil,” I thought to myself, remembering Gill Bates. “Spiff’s brother must have been HamsterBait,” I continued to ponder, “the DJ that Jennings’ agency was about to remove when this hamster did it for him.”

“I need you to help me think of a way to get rid of this thing!” Spiff asked Jubhead frantically. “It needs to be killed!”

I glanced over and noticed that Echofly’s ‘friend’ was really starting to mistreat her. It was starting to look like she might be hurt if he didn’t calm down soon.

“We could always drown it...” Jubhead suggested.

Things were starting to reach a peak. I was going to have to move quickly if this particular ending was going to be happy, but what was I supposed to do?

I made up my mind, probably too quickly, and stood on a chair. “Alright everybody! It seems like we’ve got something of a problem here! First, that game console,” I pointed, “doesn’t belong here, so Icepunk and I have come to retrieve it. Second, I’m just not cool with guys mistreating girls,” Echofly looked up and I winked at her. “Thirdly, and finally, I’m just not going to let you people hurt that hamster.”

Everything stopped.

“You and what weapons of mass destruction?” Jubhead asked, looming over me, even though I was still standing on the chair. The truth was that I honestly had no idea how to proceed.

“How about a round of this team melee?” Icepunk stepped up next to me and casually pointed at the GameSloob. “Me, Malex, that girl over there,” he pointed at Echofly, “and the hamster versus whoever wants to fight about it! Winner takes all!”

Icepunk:

I wait until all of my team members put their game interfaces on the back of their necks before slapping mine on. “Ready!” I call.

Someone - I’m not sure who - turns the GameSloob on and immediately my vision becomes a disorienting myriad of colors as the game adjusts itself to my sensory paths. Then I hear an echoing female voice announce: “Eight players detected. Creating environment and populating world.”

My sight returns and I look around, noting how realistic the environment is. I seem to be on some sort of plateau overlooking a vista of green hills and forests so big that they might go on forever. To the East is a really blue ocean.

The female voice continues: “Physics engine initialized. Please begin death match.”

“Death match?” comes a feminine voice to my left. “I didn’t sign up for any death match!”

I turn and see a woman clad in full combat armor with a short sword at her side. It takes me a moment to recognize her as Echofly. I look down and see that I’m similarly attired: steel shin and leg armor, chest guard, gauntlet, and leather gloves. Something seems to be strapped to my back. I reach behind my back and yank out a huge broadsword. “Sweet!” I call, “Look at this thing! I could slice someone in half with this!”

“Ahem,” Malex interjects as he walks up. He also is wearing some sort of ornate battle armor. “You do realize that, if we get killed in this game, it’ll probably be intensely painful and mind-scoringly disturbing.”

“But not permanent, right?” I ask.

“Not permanent, but Echofly and the hamster will be screwed,” Malex states solemnly.

I stare at him in disbelief. “No instant respawns? That sucks!”

“Once again I am in awe at your ability to so thoroughly miss the point.”

I turn and find the leader of the hamsters - whose name is ‘King Thubthub’, according to the hamsters I talked with at MicroSlop - wearing tiny armor, and dangerously wielding a dagger. “Hello!” I say to him. “I’m Icepunk. Nice to meet you.”

“You know the sacred tongue of the hamster brotherhood?” Thubthub asks, amazed.

“Of course I do!” I say. “I spoke with your warriors just a few weeks ago, and I greatly admire their commitment to their cause and to their leader. They continue to fight in the name of good, and faithfully wait for your return.”

“I am glad that they have not given up hope,” Thubthub says, smiling as only a hamster can. “I expected the evil humans to kill me. What is happening now?”

“We’re fighting for your freedom, my furry brother!”

Malex rolls his eyes. “Icepunk, stop chattering like an inane beaver. We’re about to get seriously kicked unless we find some weapons. I don’t know about you, but I don’t know how to block energy beams with a knife.”