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Episode 01x13 - Tap Dancing For Bunnies

Malex:

“Yup,” said I, “he’s still right where I left him.”

“Wow,” Icepunk said, “how did you manage to get the duct tape to do that?”

“Creative reinforcement,” I responded as the giant bunny over our heads mumbled and struggled against its bonds.

“I didn’t know earth rabbits came in such large sizes,” Linus interjected. “How did he get in here?”

“This is quite a large size for a bunny,” I responded, “and I have no idea how it got in.”

I sat down and continued to stare at the bunny, who had finally stopped struggling.

“Drat it all,” said I. “Owning a pet is such a responsibility. I bet it needs food.”

Icepunk nodded grimly as he rummaged around for something even remotely edible to toss to the bunny.

Suddenly I had an idea. This bunny didn’t have to be a burden! It was our ticket out of poverty!

Icepunk:

After buying a copy of “Tap Dancing For Bunnies” I teach the bunny how to tap dance. It takes a good long while, but hopefully the revenue will be worth the effort.

“Okay, I think he’s ready for show biz,” I say to Malex, who is looking on in complete awe of my skills.

“Icepunk, you’re a genius!” Malex exclaims. “You taught the retarded bunny to dance!”

“Yes, yes, I’m brilliant. Tell me something I don’t know,” I say humbly.

“Let’s start making money!” Malex says eagerly.

Malex:

After erecting a large tent in the middle of a busy public park, we began trying to make money off the rarity of the bunny.

“Step up, step up ladies and gentlemen! See the giant, unnaturally colored, tap-dancing bunny! Only a dollar a head to get in and see this amazing rarity!”

Our pitch was great - we even had hand-painted posters advertising our show. Unfortunately, we didn’t seem to be drawing much of an audience. After an hour or two, we had only sold some twenty-five tickets, and we were beginning to get frustrated.

“Say,” I said, “let’s up the ante.”

Soon we had slightly modified the show in a way that was slightly more marketable.

“Step right up! See the world’s most unnaturally large, disturbingly pink, tap-dancing bunny! See the world’s only request-taking, singing laptop! See the world’s most angsty, pathetic excuse for a DJ!”

We managed to sell a few tickets with that wonder of marketing, and the show began.

“First up,” called Icepunk, “the most angsty DJ you’ll ever want to see!”

I walked up onto the center of the stage, fell to my knees, threw my hands up into the air, and screamed to the heavens. “BITTERNESS!”

Icepunk was quick to drag me off the stage. Perfect.

Next was Linus, in all his singing glory. Unfortunately, we didn’t count on him not knowing most Earth songs. After several alien folk tunes, we decided to cut his part short and get on to the main attraction.

The bunny was great. He only screwed up a couple of times, and only once fell on his face.

“Dude,” Icepunk said as the show ended, “we’ll never make much money this way. Look how few people are even interested enough to stop and look at our posters!”

“Don’t worry about it,” I reassured him as the crowd filtered out, “Word of mouth is a powerful thing. All we have to do is wait for this crowd to go and tell their friends.”

“Don’t you guys have a life? That sucked!” said one of the audience as they all left. None of them looked particularly happy.

“So much for word of mouth,” said Linus dejectedly.

Icepunk:

Eventually we give up trying to make money on the worthless rabbit, but Malex has an idea: sell him to a pet store for whatever they’ll give us.

Fuzzy Little Friends is the only one who will consider buying the bunny. The clerk, a cute blond who’s probably dumber than the bunny, stares at our failed money-making scheme bewildered.

“Is it alive?” she asks.

“Yeah, see? It’s drooling!” Malex says desperately.

The clerk looks uncertain. “I dunno-”

“It can tap-dance! Watch!” To the bunny I say, “Dance, rabbit, dance! Your life depends upon it!”

The bunny dances around, twirling a cane and flipping a top hat. “Ta-da!”

“Surely that’s worth something,” I say to the girl.

“Well, I’m not even sure that he’ll fit in a cage-” The girl seems to be searching for an excuse to make us go.

Malex grabs the bunny and shoves him in the rabbit cage. The bunny’s head doesn’t quite fit, so Malex slams the door on its ears, trying to force it in.

“There!” I declare. “He’s ready for retail! Trust me, kids will love him!”

“Whoa! Bad bunny!”

I turn to see Malex yelling at the bunny who is snarfing his smaller comrades whole as though they’re appetizers.

Obviously, we are forced to leave the pet store. We still have the pink bunny, but no money for our troubles.

Malex:

“I know!” I said. “Classified ads! We’ll take out an ad in the paper! I’m sure he’ll sell.”

Icepunk babysat the bunny while I placed the ad. By that time, the bunny was habitually gnawing on anything and everything within reach, so we were forced to duct tape it to the ceiling again.

It took a few days of waiting before we got the phone call that meant that our troubles were finally over.

“Well?” asked Icepunk when I got off the phone.

“I guess some magician wants it. He’s coming over to look at it now.”

I looked up at the bunny, who had taken to gnawing on the ceiling fan blades, and wondered how we could make it behave long enough to sell it.

“Hey,” said I, “got any sedatives?”

“Dude... you? Popping pills?”

“Heck no, but we need to do something to calm the blasted thing down. It’s eating the ceiling fan for crying out loud!”

“Yeah, it’s been kinda out of control lately hasn’t it? I don’t really have anything.”

I made a half-hearted attempt at cleaning up my half of the apartment in order to make it more presentable, but before I had barely even uncovered the floor, there was a knocking at the door.

“Hello!” said I as I opened the door. “Are you Mysterious Bob the Magician?”

“Why yes. You have an unusually large rabbit for sale?”

“You could say that. Come on in. I’d offer you something to drink, but we’re really running a little low on just about everything...”

“No, no. I’m fine. I’d just like to see this rabbit.”

“No problem. Ice, let him down!”

With a loud ‘thump’ the bunny came to rest on the floor. Icepunk removed the duct tape and stood the bunny up.

“My word. That’s quite a large rabbit,” said Mysterious Bob.

“Isn’t he though? He can even tap dance...” I began. Sadly, my conversation with Mysterious Bob was cut short as the bunny leapt on him and swallowed him whole.

“Bad bunny! Bad!” Icepunk yelled as he yanked out the tazer and some mace. He disciplined the bunny while I got out the duct tape.

Icepunk:

“Hey,” Malex says, “I have another idea. We could sell the bunny at an auction site so the buyer never has to come here and get eaten before we can close the deal.”

I set up an auction on FleeceThem.com, with photos of the bunny duct-taped to the ceiling, smiling in a disturbing manner.

Almost immediately, a bid comes in from SquiddlyDiddly89 for 100,000 dollars.

“Malex!” I scream like a little girl being strangled.

“What? Did the bunny escape?” Malex looks over my shoulder. “Holy crap! Who would want to pay that much for the stupid thing?!”

“I dunno,” I say thoughtfully, “unless it’s the same people who lost him in the first place.”

The auction closes five long days later. SquiddlyDiddly89 is the highest bidder.

“Woohoo!” Malex begins doing some sort of happy dance, prompting me to hurt him.

A few e-mails later, we cram the bunny in a box and send him on his merry way.

“Yup, never gonna see that bunny again.” Malex says.

“Nope. Not unless he wants to take revenge on us or something.”

“We’re rolling in cash dude; no worries here!”